Don't stop believing . . . hold on to that feeling.

I'm getting restless. Not for lack of having something to do, but lack of something I want to do.

I want to try and get back a little more into some artsy things, draw some stuff, take some pictures, and crochet some cool stuff.

I want to sleep in, hang out with my neice, and spend time with Mick and Kathleen.

I want to have a different job, Target has sucked my soul dry.

I want to wear shorts, tanktops, and flip flops . . . without feeling the chill.

I want to shop for stuff for college, buy some new clothes with money I have, and color my hair something out of control.

I hate the points in time where anticipation of the future so heavily the situation at hand. I consider myself a very pastient person and right now I am not.

The Grudge . . . aside from being a crappy horror film.

I'm good at holding grudges. I have grudges that have stuck with me from 3rd grade, maybe earlier. I'm pretty much an elephant when it comes to the ill treatment of myself. I just don't forget it.

Maybe someday I'll that bigger person and forgive those who never asked for forgiveness in the first place. Maybe I'll learn to forget the wrongs others have committed. Maybe I'll become the most forgiving person in the world!

I really do doubt that. For some reason it is hard for me to forgive those that don't even feel sorry for what they did to me and others that I care about. I find the idea of letting those people off the hook repugnant.

I guess, as always, I'm a work in progress. I'm thinking that finding oneself lacking in one department or the another is the first step to improvement . . . well . . . the second, after self pity and doubt over being so disappointed in one's shortcomings. Or one just gives up entirely . . . I might be screwed then.

I want a platinum blonde life

so I can bleach another color.

For some reason I like that lyric from No Doubt. It was an awesome song to rock out to while I was biking my way to track practice my 8th grade year. I miss that, about the only thing I do miss.

I talk a lot about who terrible middle school was for me, and it was. Yet, when I was there it sometimes didn't seem so bad. Those were the moments that kept me hanging on.

I think there are two types of bad situations. The first is the one you don't realize is bad. Enter Alex Bauer. I dated him four times for a total of 5 months or so. I did like him at one time and did enjoy his company, but any time something went wrong I made an excuse, blamed myself, or blamed someone else. When in reality it was his doing. I thought that I loved him and that we had a healthy relationship . . . wrong. He's probably one of the worst relationships I have ever had and, hopefully, ever will. Luckily, I'm over it . . . that doesn't mean I'm OK with what went on between us, but I do think that I'm exhibiting a little bit more maturity than he has.

The second type are the points in time where you think things are horrible, but later you can see that they weren't that bad. I would say that had to be the first semester of junior year. Things were pretty crazy. I had a new guy I liked who was more than a handful, I had 8 classes a day, I doubt I was sleeping too well, and I was in a ridiculous Psychology class that made me feel crazy. I had a nice little bout of depression and had two or three melt downs. Now as I look back on it, I realize that it wasn't that bad and if I had just pulled my head out of my butt and took a little more care of myself things could have easily remedied.

Friends

I'm a bad friend . . . that's what it must boil down to. Well, I'm fine with that.

You think I'm not a good enough friend for her, take the job yourself . . . you seem to know her so much better than I do. Whatever, I don't care anymore. She's got so many more people she can lean on and complain about me to, so what's the point?

The fact that you only know half the truth and are still accusing me of all these things shows your lack of ability to judge any situation whatsoever, but you're probably a better friend than I'll ever be.

I relinquish my title as best friend and bestow it upon you, Sarah, the artist formerly known as anonymous. The one who gave such objective and honest wisdom behind the mask of anonymity. What bravery to question a person's motives, oversimplify her thought processes, and insult her insecurities and fears while she has no idea who you are.

As to quote a favorite song of my own (since using lyrics is such an efficient way to get your point across): "I DON'T CARE!"

Speech & Debate

All good things must come to end. One of the most enjoyable activities of my high school career has officially come to an end.

You know that you are a geek when you are sad to be done with traveling great distances, dressing in a suit, and giving speeches on a weekend. That's the geek I'm proud to be.

It kills me how little respect the Speech and Debate team gets at my school. Most people don't even know what we do let alone if what we do is really a high school curricular activity. In many ways, Speech and Debate is harder than a lot of sports. What my fellow competitors and I travel to do every weekend is one of the highest ranked phobias of our country. Granted, most of us don't have to test our physical being aside from staying awake due to little sleep the night before and keep our vocal cords in tip-top shape, but we do work hard.

I improved greatly over the past four years. I went from a scatter-brained girl who couldn't talk for three minutes, to a considerable threat to most of my competition. I was the 7th place finalist in Impromptu Speaking this year, and I am happy to say I earned it. I wasn't gifted with my talent, I had to work at it and hone it.

I know that sounds excruciatingly arrogant, but I believe it's true and feel no shame in proclaiming this achievement.

I was awarded with the Most Inspirational Speaker Award and the Bison Leadership Award. Both of those made my little heart melt. The first was voted on by my teammates and the latter was chosen by my coaches. I feel so honored that both parties considered me the right choice for the awards I was given.

Tonight has been bittersweet, but far more sweet than bitter.

Genocide

We are reading Night in English class. Amazing book so far, in my opinion. The reason I bring it up is not the book, but the term genocide.

My teacher was basically saying that genocide is inflicted upon a specific race or ethnicity, but not just through systematic killing. Sterilization, destruction of culture, and forced transportation of children away from their families are other ways of committing genocide.

Now I looked at this definition, and after a few seconds an idea sprung into my head. What about America's own genocide? What about our own homegrown hate? So I raised my hand and asked that with the definition given couldn't the atrocities committed on the Native Americans be considered genocide.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

That was the reaction I received from my classmates. Granted they didn't yell that, but I could hear the scoffs, the groans, and the mutterings of my peers. Then I also heard the rebuttals of "Yeah, well we didn't put them in concentration camps, and we didn't kill them just because of their race."

I was just amazed at the outright anger that I witnessed from my classmates. Yes, the Holocaust was genocide, and it wasn't done on American soil. Yet, the killing of millions of the native population by early and later European settlers also fits into that category. God forbid we as Americans admit to the bad things our country has done in the past.

In an effort to defend my self, I explained my viewpoint a little more clearly. Then a boy in my class raises his hand and tell the teacher he hasn't understood a word I said.

Blarg.

Secrets

Secrets interest me quite a deal. I never really have many myself, but I love to find out others. Sadly, I'm a bit of a blabbermouth too. If someone tells me a secret and doesn't expressly instruct me not to tell I will most likely tell a few people or more.

Now, there are some secrets I have never told anyone, and I acquired one of those secrets last night. This is one I know I will never tell. With the telling of this secret to me, the relationship between that person and I was cemented even more than it was before. It made me feel great knowing that that person could trust me, and that my reaction to the telling, being accepting, has made that person feel so much better.

I never really believed that idea that sharing a secret brings people closer together until now. My love for this person has grown deeper than it already was and it makes me happy.

I'm usually never this sappy. I don't have a romantic bone in my body. It's a first, I guess, and I'm seeing it as a good sign.

Ponderings

Warning:

Complete randomness without a central theme is to ensue.


College

I'm sick of that word, that idea, that future, that question. If I could, I would just forget how to read and join the circus (forgetting how to read would just make it more interesting, I suppose).

I'm assuming a lot of this hate is from my fear of college. Will I do well? Is U. of M. the right choice? What do I want to do with my life?

Another reason for the hatred is over saturation. I hear about college more every year, and I heard about it quite enough my Freshman year. And considering an increase in its discussion every year, I have met my tolerance.

I wish it was all over, I was in college, and in the swing of things there.


Personality Traits

I'm at a crossroads. To forgive or not to forgive. Forget and move on or remember and become even more bitter.

Maybe I just need to let go of the hurt I have inside me. For some reason I still feel that that is not an option. Considering a majority of this hurt has not been apologized for, I don't feel it fair that I have to forgive and forget things that people have done when they either don't know or care about how much they have hurt me.

Maybe I take things too personally. Maybe I see things as mean or as an insult when they are just meant to be a joke and not intended to hurt me.

I used to forgive too much, allowing people to walk all over me. I'm just worried that if I forgive someone then I'll fall back into that cycle of giving those people the ability to make my life hell because I become understanding again.


Music Snobbery

I love various forms of music. Granted, not every form by far and some genres are beyond me ever loving. I have been labeled by certain individuals as a music snob. They claim that my distaste for much of the Top 40 is due to my music snobbery. Is it bad to expect more? Insult a band because I find their music terrible? Avoid the Top 40 station because of the majority of the music they play?

I don't really consider myself a music snob, because the reason I hate some bands or artists is the reason I love another. I'm ridiculously inconsistent and don't pick apart the music I listen. I will give something a listen before dismissing it, but I know what I like and don't like.


------------------------------------


I am done for now . . .