Lazy

Through the years I have proudly proclaimed I am lazy . . . yes, you heard it first, I'm lazy and proud. Before I start my own support group let me explain why I am proud of this negative trait.

From a very young age I have truly only done the bare minimum in most cases. Yet, all but one semester of middle school I was on the Honor Roll. I carry a 3.4 G. P. G. I even took honors classes up until this year, my senior year. I don't exactly know how I pull through for most of this. I guess I am extremely lucky and pretty damn smart.

With that being said, I envy those with a good work ethic. Because most things come so easily to me, when something challenges me I shut down. Luckily, even with that trait, I still have kept my grades up and pleased my parents.

For some reason I think I am getting a little less lazy. I'm filing for extemp and I don't even compete in that event. I am actually working hard in my English class (which is filled with idiots). I actually keep log of assignments to turn in and have only two missing assignments so far this year. A very new development in my life and it feels quite odd.

I am nowhere near as studious as other people and there are far better students in my school, but I have improved. Hopefully, this trend will continue and college won't kick my ass too badly. Having a boyfriend who does his work helps.

All in all, I still am lazy to the point of not eating because it requires chewing. Yet, there is a little light at the end of the tunnel

Changed Revisited

Last time, I discussed the change other people can cause in one's self. How about just change in general? Many of the things that used to be set in stone with me have changed.

I used to love Christmas, but now I think the tides are turning. Consumerism, deteriorating ties with family, and cynicism create a deadly cocktail for my love of Christmas. I used to have the faith that each year I would be happy to see my family. I used to not see that this holiday is in the trophy case of greed. I used to believe in Santa and in Jesus.

I used to live by the phrase, "You can't judge a book by its cover." I used to makes friends with people from all walks of life. I used to befriend people even if I knew they were not necessarily that put together. Now, I feel that the majority of people hate me, that most every new person will hate me, and/or that I will hate that person.

I used to be empathetic to most every person in society, sparing cold-blooded killers and my bullies. I used to feel for the kid who felt he had no way out. I used to not hate the preps and tried to see the good in them. Now I constantly bash emos, jocks, preps, cheerleaders, and a plethora of other groups.

There are more examples I could get into, but I will leave it at that.

I wonder how me 5 years ago would view me now. Would she recognize me? Would she respect me? Would she empathize with me? Would she even have things in common with me aside from superficial interests and appearances?

I'm worried that the girl that looks back at me from the mirror is someone I didn't want to be. I'm worried that I am the monster I once was plagued by. How do you do a complete 180 like this? How do you lose the traits you consider so admirable about yourself? How do you regain them once lost?

The glass in the mirror feels like it is warping. Every time I see something I like in myself, it is distorted and made to be grotesquely ironic.