The Grudge . . . aside from being a crappy horror film.

I'm good at holding grudges. I have grudges that have stuck with me from 3rd grade, maybe earlier. I'm pretty much an elephant when it comes to the ill treatment of myself. I just don't forget it.

Maybe someday I'll that bigger person and forgive those who never asked for forgiveness in the first place. Maybe I'll learn to forget the wrongs others have committed. Maybe I'll become the most forgiving person in the world!

I really do doubt that. For some reason it is hard for me to forgive those that don't even feel sorry for what they did to me and others that I care about. I find the idea of letting those people off the hook repugnant.

I guess, as always, I'm a work in progress. I'm thinking that finding oneself lacking in one department or the another is the first step to improvement . . . well . . . the second, after self pity and doubt over being so disappointed in one's shortcomings. Or one just gives up entirely . . . I might be screwed then.

I want a platinum blonde life

so I can bleach another color.

For some reason I like that lyric from No Doubt. It was an awesome song to rock out to while I was biking my way to track practice my 8th grade year. I miss that, about the only thing I do miss.

I talk a lot about who terrible middle school was for me, and it was. Yet, when I was there it sometimes didn't seem so bad. Those were the moments that kept me hanging on.

I think there are two types of bad situations. The first is the one you don't realize is bad. Enter Alex Bauer. I dated him four times for a total of 5 months or so. I did like him at one time and did enjoy his company, but any time something went wrong I made an excuse, blamed myself, or blamed someone else. When in reality it was his doing. I thought that I loved him and that we had a healthy relationship . . . wrong. He's probably one of the worst relationships I have ever had and, hopefully, ever will. Luckily, I'm over it . . . that doesn't mean I'm OK with what went on between us, but I do think that I'm exhibiting a little bit more maturity than he has.

The second type are the points in time where you think things are horrible, but later you can see that they weren't that bad. I would say that had to be the first semester of junior year. Things were pretty crazy. I had a new guy I liked who was more than a handful, I had 8 classes a day, I doubt I was sleeping too well, and I was in a ridiculous Psychology class that made me feel crazy. I had a nice little bout of depression and had two or three melt downs. Now as I look back on it, I realize that it wasn't that bad and if I had just pulled my head out of my butt and took a little more care of myself things could have easily remedied.

Friends

I'm a bad friend . . . that's what it must boil down to. Well, I'm fine with that.

You think I'm not a good enough friend for her, take the job yourself . . . you seem to know her so much better than I do. Whatever, I don't care anymore. She's got so many more people she can lean on and complain about me to, so what's the point?

The fact that you only know half the truth and are still accusing me of all these things shows your lack of ability to judge any situation whatsoever, but you're probably a better friend than I'll ever be.

I relinquish my title as best friend and bestow it upon you, Sarah, the artist formerly known as anonymous. The one who gave such objective and honest wisdom behind the mask of anonymity. What bravery to question a person's motives, oversimplify her thought processes, and insult her insecurities and fears while she has no idea who you are.

As to quote a favorite song of my own (since using lyrics is such an efficient way to get your point across): "I DON'T CARE!"

Speech & Debate

All good things must come to end. One of the most enjoyable activities of my high school career has officially come to an end.

You know that you are a geek when you are sad to be done with traveling great distances, dressing in a suit, and giving speeches on a weekend. That's the geek I'm proud to be.

It kills me how little respect the Speech and Debate team gets at my school. Most people don't even know what we do let alone if what we do is really a high school curricular activity. In many ways, Speech and Debate is harder than a lot of sports. What my fellow competitors and I travel to do every weekend is one of the highest ranked phobias of our country. Granted, most of us don't have to test our physical being aside from staying awake due to little sleep the night before and keep our vocal cords in tip-top shape, but we do work hard.

I improved greatly over the past four years. I went from a scatter-brained girl who couldn't talk for three minutes, to a considerable threat to most of my competition. I was the 7th place finalist in Impromptu Speaking this year, and I am happy to say I earned it. I wasn't gifted with my talent, I had to work at it and hone it.

I know that sounds excruciatingly arrogant, but I believe it's true and feel no shame in proclaiming this achievement.

I was awarded with the Most Inspirational Speaker Award and the Bison Leadership Award. Both of those made my little heart melt. The first was voted on by my teammates and the latter was chosen by my coaches. I feel so honored that both parties considered me the right choice for the awards I was given.

Tonight has been bittersweet, but far more sweet than bitter.