Random thoughts of a young woman falling apart

Don't remember exactly when I wrote this, but it was before my sister's death and it seemed worth publishing for some reason.



Just wanted to get some thoughts down.

I want to be happy, everyone does.  However, that want is tied a lot of needs.  Happiness can't just be bought or created.  It's about working, playing, and prioritizing.  I can't just do what I want to be happy, there are some things I need to do as well.

I know on some intellectual level I understood, but I am starting to understand it on a personal level too.  As much as I want to curl into a little ball and let the world continue rotating without my input, I can't.  I need to finish school.  I need to get a job.  I need to take care of myself.

It's a fucking battle to be happy sometimes.  I want so hard to be happy for those around me, but I can not do it sometimes.  Part of me feels ready to fall apart more often than not, but I don't know how telling the people I care about this will help me or them.

Sometimes I want to scream at the top my lungs, "Cancer is killing my sister we can't do anything about it!"

You can't measure people's levels of emotional pain as much as tactile pain.  All I know this is one of the times when the intangible starts to take real form in my life.

Obstacles come in all shapes and sizes.  Loss is my obstacle.  It's not even a simple loss.  I love my sister and don't want her to die, but we've never been close.  The thing that hurts the most is what I know it will mean for those she is closest to.

I've always been more concerned with the way things affect others when it comes to loss.  Sitting at a funeral I tend to feel pain for the deceased if their death or life was painful.  Secondly, I think about the family and what it will mean for the members I personally know.

I'm much stronger than when she was diagnosed in 2010, but nothing really can prepare someone for loss.  As much as I tried to get my ducks in a row school is still hard to keep up with and my needs are being overshadowed by baser urges shut down and run away from my responsibilities.  I'm working really hard to keep my cyclically negative thoughts under control, but its not easy.

It's frustrating when the way your brain and body works can make things much harder than they need to be.  If I'm low on food even a great day can seem like the end of the world.  Keeping myself well fed and watered.  I tend to start panicking when working on any assignment for work.  My heart starts racing and my focus splinters into little pieces.  Not sure how I'm combating that aside from listening to relaxing music, eating well, and getting help from friends and family when possible.

So many friends,

but I still feel lonely.  There are some possible reasons.

It could be that I don't like myself a lot. Not right now. The apartment's a mess. There are so many projects I want to finish or begin, but the I don't do anything. Feel a bit paralyzed.  Can't seem to pull myself together, and I know it's just gonna get worse.

It could be that I'm now going to lose another family member to cancer.  Myeloma is commonly known as blood cancer because it inhabits plasma cells in the blood stream. This stuff's incurable and it's in my dad. My hearts breaks a little bit more every time I think about it. Losing my sister was tough, but this could break me for awhile.

Maybe it's because I'm not disabled enough for a companion animal. In my counselor's opinion, my depression and anxiety is not severe enough to merit an exception to the "no pets" policy at my apartment complex. I was ecstatic at the possibility of having an animal to love and care for. I felt that the innocent dependence of another living thing could keep me tethered to a life that keeps getting darker and darker.

Those all seem to be compelling contributing factors.

The inherent component of my loneliness is my extroverted nature.

According to Wikipedia:
Jung defined introversion as an "attitude-type characterised by orientation in life through subjective psychic contents" (focus on one's inner psychic activity); and extraversion as "an attitude type characterised by concentration of interest on the external object", (the outside world).

Being around friends, shooting the shit with my co-workers, helping someone at the grocery store. That is where I am at my happiest. Right now, alone is like a mirror fun house that not only distorts how I see myself. It creates a labyrinth of thought patterns that lead me to darker and darker places in my head.

Usually solitude doesn't get this ugly, but in times like these it's much more likely. In brighter times I don't mind my head so much, I can hang out there for a little while and sometimes a longer while. Being alone is less preferred, but it's not remotely as unpleasant or scary.

I'm working on staying afloat right now. It's not easy. I mean, I want to be here. I know that.  However, my ability to fulfill commitments to myself and others is sub-par at best.

I'm planning on getting a second opinion from a another health care professional about having a companion animal.  My friends said they would help me with my apartment.  School is gonna start, much less alone time.  I'm planning on taking aikido.  I figure a new and useful activity should get me into better shape and I'll learn something.

Things aren't so great, but I figure I can fight through it.