So many friends,

but I still feel lonely.  There are some possible reasons.

It could be that I don't like myself a lot. Not right now. The apartment's a mess. There are so many projects I want to finish or begin, but the I don't do anything. Feel a bit paralyzed.  Can't seem to pull myself together, and I know it's just gonna get worse.

It could be that I'm now going to lose another family member to cancer.  Myeloma is commonly known as blood cancer because it inhabits plasma cells in the blood stream. This stuff's incurable and it's in my dad. My hearts breaks a little bit more every time I think about it. Losing my sister was tough, but this could break me for awhile.

Maybe it's because I'm not disabled enough for a companion animal. In my counselor's opinion, my depression and anxiety is not severe enough to merit an exception to the "no pets" policy at my apartment complex. I was ecstatic at the possibility of having an animal to love and care for. I felt that the innocent dependence of another living thing could keep me tethered to a life that keeps getting darker and darker.

Those all seem to be compelling contributing factors.

The inherent component of my loneliness is my extroverted nature.

According to Wikipedia:
Jung defined introversion as an "attitude-type characterised by orientation in life through subjective psychic contents" (focus on one's inner psychic activity); and extraversion as "an attitude type characterised by concentration of interest on the external object", (the outside world).

Being around friends, shooting the shit with my co-workers, helping someone at the grocery store. That is where I am at my happiest. Right now, alone is like a mirror fun house that not only distorts how I see myself. It creates a labyrinth of thought patterns that lead me to darker and darker places in my head.

Usually solitude doesn't get this ugly, but in times like these it's much more likely. In brighter times I don't mind my head so much, I can hang out there for a little while and sometimes a longer while. Being alone is less preferred, but it's not remotely as unpleasant or scary.

I'm working on staying afloat right now. It's not easy. I mean, I want to be here. I know that.  However, my ability to fulfill commitments to myself and others is sub-par at best.

I'm planning on getting a second opinion from a another health care professional about having a companion animal.  My friends said they would help me with my apartment.  School is gonna start, much less alone time.  I'm planning on taking aikido.  I figure a new and useful activity should get me into better shape and I'll learn something.

Things aren't so great, but I figure I can fight through it.