Last time, I discussed the change other people can cause in one's self. How about just change in general? Many of the things that used to be set in stone with me have changed.
I used to love Christmas, but now I think the tides are turning. Consumerism, deteriorating ties with family, and cynicism create a deadly cocktail for my love of Christmas. I used to have the faith that each year I would be happy to see my family. I used to not see that this holiday is in the trophy case of greed. I used to believe in Santa and in Jesus.
I used to live by the phrase, "You can't judge a book by its cover." I used to makes friends with people from all walks of life. I used to befriend people even if I knew they were not necessarily that put together. Now, I feel that the majority of people hate me, that most every new person will hate me, and/or that I will hate that person.
I used to be empathetic to most every person in society, sparing cold-blooded killers and my bullies. I used to feel for the kid who felt he had no way out. I used to not hate the preps and tried to see the good in them. Now I constantly bash emos, jocks, preps, cheerleaders, and a plethora of other groups.
There are more examples I could get into, but I will leave it at that.
I wonder how me 5 years ago would view me now. Would she recognize me? Would she respect me? Would she empathize with me? Would she even have things in common with me aside from superficial interests and appearances?
I'm worried that the girl that looks back at me from the mirror is someone I didn't want to be. I'm worried that I am the monster I once was plagued by. How do you do a complete 180 like this? How do you lose the traits you consider so admirable about yourself? How do you regain them once lost?
The glass in the mirror feels like it is warping. Every time I see something I like in myself, it is distorted and made to be grotesquely ironic.
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1 comment:
Don't boo-hoo over the fact that you've changed. You are the one in charge of your emotions. If you've think you've changed that much, make another change. Buy the family members you hate the most a really nice present. Make friends with some one from one of those groups you bash so much. The girl from 5 years ago would recognize you, but she would wonder why she is whining on a blog when she could just go out and change her world. I promise, even if you make a genuine effort and people throw it in your face, you'll feel more like your old self and be happier.
PS--maybe find the person who has made you so "cynical" and make a change there. Usually cynicism and person-bashing is a sign of low self-esteem, not really a person you should hang out with.
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